REFLECTION: There’s no shortage of advice out there on how to live a more satisfying life. I’ve even been known to dispense a word or two myself! 🙂 Sometimes, though, the source gets lost along the way.
For example, there’s an echo of advice living somewhere deep in my mind that prescribes these three pre-requisites for happiness: something to do, something to look forward to, and someone (or something) to love.
There are elements of that buried wisdom in what was my most engaging read of the summer: Martin Seligman’s latest book, Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.
In his earlier work, Authentic Happiness, Seligman noted three essentials for happiness: Positive Emotion, Engagement, and Meaning. Positive emotion boils down to good feelings (pleasure, warmth, comfort, etc.) Engagement is about using your best strengths and talents to be in flow – deeply absorbed by the activity at hand. Meaning relates to being in the service of something larger than yourself.
Over the last decade, further research has extended Seligman’s thinking and theory. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #9- Lift Up Your Eyes
August 30, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION: The motto of the University of Calgary (where I studied for my master’s degree in continuing education) is “Mo shuiles togam suas.” It’s a Gaelic phrase taken from one of the psalms. Translated, it means: “I will lift up my eyes.” What an inspired call to action!
My seminar participants tell me their overloaded days are often spent with their heads down-not eyes up. With their noses to the grindstone preoccupied with tasks and details, they wade their way through each day’s responsibilities, always fretting about the details.
If that’s true for you, try shifting that practice just a smidge. As you move through your day, take a moment here and there to lift up your eyes. Step out of the car-lift up your eyes. Step out of a meeting-life up your eyes. Tune in to the bigger picture and the reason you are about to pursue the tasks at hand. You’ll find a broader, higher, deeper purpose. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #8- Hurting or Healing?
August 23, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION: As I waited for my medical-test results, my mind led me down some amazing trails-most of them predicting disastrous outcomes. Within minutes, it took me from ill, to seriously ill, to languishing on my deathbed, to planning my funeral.
On what were these stories based? Nada. Zip. Nothing. No information at all! In the absence of information, my mind seemed determined to manufacture its own.
An African tribe that teaches its children how to calm themselves in anxious situations offers a wonderful strategy to handle the pressure of the unknown. Little ones who start imagining the worst (man-eating tigers lurking at the edge of the path) spin their yarns based only on fear. They are told to watch for a pattern. Once they notice the pattern, they stop and label their flights of fancy as hurting stories-stories that don’t have to be written.
As adults, we spin scary yarns about negative outcomes based on nothing but fear. This project is doomed. The market will dry up. My business will fail. Our relationship is dust.
Pay close attention to the churning of your mind. When you find yourself getting bent out of shape, particularly when evidence is lacking, pause. See if you can identify the pattern and the hurting story. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #7- Simplicizing
August 16, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION: I have an irksome habit (and I have it in spades)-stuffing too much in! One more email. One more stop on the way. One more point in the presentation.
The motivation is good: squeeze maximum value out of each moment. However, the result is bad: time pressure and frustration, for me and for others.
Being more judicious about biting off more than we can comfortably chew is good for our health. Becoming more thoughtful and reasonable in all areas of life also brings positive changes to our mental health and our relationships.
A speaker colleague edits his presentations by keeping his audience and this question in mind: “What could they live without?” This question can be applied far and wide. Whether it’s our work, errands, or communications, we can ask ourselves, “What could we (or they) live without?”
With the enormous proliferation of email, think twice before sending a message into circulation. Will it add value? Will anyone read it? Will the other person’s world be better with this communication? Sometimes less is more. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #6- Yes, No, or Middle Ground?
August 9, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION:
Will you? Would you? Can you? Could you? On those short questions hang the hooks of overcommitment. Will you take on this project? Would you look after the kids for the weekend? Could you chair this committee?
The trap lies in believing there’s only a yes or no answer to each question.
Say “yes” and when you realize you don’t have time for the task or that it’s not a fit with your interests or priorities, you reward yourself with resentment. Say “no” and when you suffer second thoughts about the wisdom of your decision or its possible effect on your relationships or future, you reward yourself with guilt.
People often overlook the possibility of middle ground. Maybe you would feel comfortable taking on the project if you could shift other deadlines. Maybe you would take the kids on Friday or Saturday night but not for the whole weekend. Maybe you won’t chair the committee, but you would help recruit someone who will.
The search for middle ground starts with a time out. By stepping back from the request, thinking about the impact, looking at priorities and schedules, you may be able to find one option or several that aren’t based on guilt or resentment. Look for commitments you can make with a willing heart. Find ways you can help and still be “sustainably” productive over the long haul.
Middle ground runs wide and deep. It’s rich with possibilities for reasonable loads and healthy relationships.
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins.” – Neil Kinnock
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READERS WRITE:
“The year I was president of two organizations was frustrating. Both held their monthly board meetings on the same Tuesday-one from 4:00 to 6:00 p.m. and the other starting at 7:00 p.m. When my traveling husband was in town, the tight schedule was not too much of a problem. However one day when my husband couldn’t be home, I had to arrange for one babysitter to pick up my daughter from another babysitter, take her home, and stay with her until I could get home about 10:00 p.m. At that point, I found the backbone to say ‘no’ to some of the requests that came my way.” – Debby C.
“When I’m asked for something that requires my time, I simply say, ‘I want to think about it. I’ll get back to you.’ This gives me time to recover from the shock of another request and see if it fits in my calendar. I wear the idea awhile, see what it feels like, see which way I lean, and make a decision. When I say ‘yes,’ I really mean it!” – Denise N.
REFLECTION & ACTION: Will you? Would you? Can you? Could you? On those short questions hang the hooks of overcommitment. Will you take on this project? Would you look after the kids for the weekend? Could you chair this committee?
The trap lies in believing there’s only a yes or no answer to each question.
Say “yes” and when you realize you don’t have time for the task or that it’s not a fit with your interests or priorities, you reward yourself with resentment. Say “no” and when you suffer second thoughts about the wisdom of your decision or its possible effect on your relationships or future, you reward yourself with guilt.
People often overlook the possibility of middle ground. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #5- Magnanimity
August 2, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION: As I listen to reports of life’s daily events, I witness indignation, wailing, and gnashing of teeth over supposed slights and imagined dastardly deeds. Yes, I even catch myself engaging in these flights of fancy from time to time.
Sometimes an illness is just an illness-not something caused by careless hygiene, dubious nutrition, or medical malpractice. Sometimes lost keys and bank cards are misplaced-not the work of a stealthy thief with sticky fingers. Sometimes an offhand remark is just plain thoughtless-not part of a diabolical plot to undermine our authority or self-esteem. Talk about blowing things out of proportion!
At the same time, much of the stress that leads someone to behave badly remains invisible to others. We aren’t always privy to each others’ burdens: an angry client, an ailing parent, a truant teen, a leaky roof, a dwindling bank account, a frightening medical report, an estranged friendship.
Let’s be more magnanimous with ourselves and each other. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #4- Sanity Policies
July 26, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION:
In the early years of my business, I worked many weekends and often delivered an all-day seminar followed by an evening presentation. As burnout loomed, I chose a policy of working just one weekend a month, speaking and training no more than three days a week, and presenting in only two out of three time slots on a given day (morning, afternoon, or evening).
My productivity and energy soared. Amazingly, so did my profits. Clearly, taking care of myself was also good for my business.
Community service is another area where overload shifts the experience from blessing to burden. How many community groups can you serve at a time and still feel enthused as you head out the door to another evening meeting?
If you’re frustrated en route, you’ll feel less than enthusiastic at the meeting itself. Rest assured, if you don’t want to be there and can’t wait to get away, you aren’t the ray of sunshine that will brighten the day for others.
Know yourself. Draw your lines in the sand. Stand by your decisions. Set your own sanity policies for paid and volunteer work. Stake your claim. Make time for renewal and relaxation. It’ll help you stay productive and enthused so you can make a positive contribution over the long term.
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“If there are one hundred good things to do and you can only do ten of them, you will have to say no ninety times.” – Richard Swenson
“A ‘no’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘yes’ merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.” – Mahatma Gandhi
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READERS WRITE:
“I decided to give up volunteering. It sounds terrible but I’m 34 years old, work part-time, and have two sons who are seven and ten. My children are busy with music and sports and my husband works long hours and coaches in our sons’ hockey organizations. This leaves me to run all aspects of our home life. I felt pressure to volunteer-to do my part. But I didn’t enjoy it. As a result, I didn’t put forward a proper effort or attitude. I decided that my job is raising my two sons to be happy, well-rounded young men. They’ll remember sharing time with their mother who was there when they needed her, not at some meeting. There will be lots of time to volunteer when my sons are grown. I feel positive that I’ve set a good boundary!” – Tiffany J.S.
REFLECTION & ACTION: In the early years of my business, I worked many weekends and often delivered an all-day seminar followed by an evening presentation. As burnout loomed, I chose a policy of working just one weekend a month, speaking and training no more than three days a week, and presenting in only two out of three time slots on a given day (morning, afternoon, or evening).
My productivity and energy soared. Amazingly, so did my profits. Clearly, taking care of myself was also good for my business.
Community service is another area where overload shifts the experience from blessing to burden. How many community groups can you serve at a time and still feel enthused as you head out the door to another evening meeting?
If you’re frustrated en route, you’ll feel less than enthusiastic at the meeting itself. Rest assured, if you don’t want to be there and can’t wait to get away, you aren’t the ray of sunshine that will brighten the day for others. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #3- Zap a Snit
July 19, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION:
Over the years, most of our family vacations have included an emotional meltdown by one member or another at some point during the trip. Our most “memorable” vacations have featured multiple meltdowns, triggered by lapses in communication or thwarted expectations.
One vacation meltdown occurred over something my traveling partner couldn’t control. Really, what are the chances he would consciously choose to have a killer cold coupled with zero enthusiasm on our only day on the beautiful Greek island of Mykonos?
Nevertheless, there I was-stuck in a snit-actively making a rough day worse. The speaker in me tried to talk it out. The writer in me grabbed my journal and scratched out my frustrations on paper. Neither approach tempered my bad humor.
It was only a change in my frame of reference that turned my mood around. When I switched from listing my gripes and complaints to consciously noting all the things for which I was grateful (in spite of my disappointment and selfish lack of compassion), I found it impossible to maintain a negative head of steam about the situation. I zapped the snit right out of existence.
Try this the next time a snit hangs a hammerlock on your heart. List the things for which you are grateful and appreciative. Watch your mood swing to the upbeat side of the positiv-o-meter. It’s impossible to hold onto a snit and embrace gratitude at the same time.
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
– Melody Beattie
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READERS WRITE:
“I attend Al-Anon and have learned that I can’t control everything. When my snits take hold of me, I back off. I’m learning to detach with love and take inventory of what I’m grateful for. It works.” – Jan N.
“I’m becoming better at being present in the moment. When I’m not, I’m usually spinning my mental wheels in worry and recriminations. My cue to pausing and coming back to the present-and the reality of the absolute glory of this life I’m living-is negative thoughts! I use negative thoughts as a cue to help me return to stillness and joy and it’s truly wonderful!” – Corinne A.
REFLECTION & ACTION: Over the years, most of our family vacations have included an emotional meltdown by one member or another at some point during the trip. Our most “memorable” vacations have featured multiple meltdowns, triggered by lapses in communication or thwarted expectations.
One vacation meltdown occurred over something my traveling partner couldn’t control. Really, what are the chances he would consciously choose to have a killer cold coupled with zero enthusiasm on our only day on the beautiful Greek island of Mykonos?
Nevertheless, there I was-stuck in a snit-actively making a rough day worse. The speaker in me tried to talk it out. The writer in me grabbed my journal and scratched out my frustrations on paper. Neither approach tempered my bad humor.
It was only a change in my frame of reference that turned my mood around. (more…)
PAUSE – Pause Gem #2- White Space
July 12, 2011
REFLECTION & ACTION:
Ask people about their most satisfying experiences with time. You might be surprised by their answers. Yes, the pleasure of accomplishment-getting projects done and checking tasks off lists-ranks high. However, you’ll find that the experience of unstructured, wide-open chunks of time with no planned activities consistently tops the list.
It’s refreshing to have an hour, an afternoon, or a day to putter and ramble-to go where the spirit moves you, not feeling pressured to be anywhere or do anything in particular. Think of this as white space on your calendar-a wide-open chunk of time with no special commitments or duties.
It’s a time when you could invite that new colleague for coffee and conversation or dip into the professional reading that’s been piling up in the corner of your office. You might lean over the fence and visit with the neighbors. You could play a round of Monopoly with the kids or snuggle up on the couch with your partner. You could curl up in a hammock with a good book. Or you could simply do nothing at all.
In traditional religious practice, the keeping of the Sabbath assures this recurring openness of time and space. The Sabbath is unique because you don’t earn it. It rolls around whether you’re ready for it or not.
You can build white space into your work and personal life-for rest, renewal, relationship or adventure-whether or not it’s part of your own tradition. Set a policy of an hour, an afternoon, or an evening each week as open time with no commitments. See what unfolds and develops. Soak up the joy and sense of ease you reap from the experience.
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
“Will I remember that the hammock looked good hanging on the front porch or that the garden looked good from the hammock?” – LuAnn Brandsen
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READERS WRITE:
“Because my life seems to be so scheduled with deadlines and dates, I find my most satisfying experiences come when I have blocks in which time doesn’t matter-like a day I can do what I feel like doing when I want or a vacation with no structure at all. During these times, I enjoy breaking the ‘rules’ of time. If I want to walk in my garden in my pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon, I do it, and I relish the fact that I’m breaking a ‘rule.’ If I want to build a sandcastle at 7:00 in the morning I will, and I dare anyone to tell me it’s too early to play on the beach! I’ll even work on my stained-glass project until 4:00 in the morning because it’s my time.”
– Dani V.D.
“Late one windless night, with the clear sky brimming with stars, I sat by the barbeque roasting red peppers, a relaxing, carefree release from the norm. Feeling something odd, I noticed there wasn’t a sound except the gentle hissing of the barbeque and the popping of the peppers. In our increasingly noisy lives, it was enchanting, peaceful, and somewhat scary to feel and hear the sound of silence.”
– Gregg H.
REFLECTION & ACTION: Ask people about their most satisfying experiences with time. You might be surprised by their answers. Yes, the pleasure of accomplishment-getting projects done and checking tasks off lists-ranks high. However, you’ll find that the experience of unstructured, wide-open chunks of time with no planned activities is right up there, too.
It’s refreshing to have an hour, an afternoon, or a day to putter and ramble-to go where the spirit moves you, not feeling pressured to be anywhere or do anything in particular. Think of this as white space on your calendar-a wide-open chunk of time with no special commitments or duties.
It’s a time when you could invite that new colleague for coffee and conversation or dip into the professional reading that’s been piling up in the corner of your office. You might lean over the fence and visit with the neighbors. You could play a round of Monopoly with the kids or snuggle up on the couch with your partner. You could curl up in a hammock with a good book. Or you could simply do nothing at all. (more…)
Summertime Satisfactions
July 8, 2011
So…the next time I complain about how much work it is to maintain the backyard garden (and I’m sure there will be a next time) can you remind me of a few things?
Like how relaxing it is to eat a cold salad for lunch in the shade of the umbrella with the sound of the water bubbling over the fountain on the deck and the robins splashing in the pondside stream.
Like how beautiful the orange and blue pansies appear – faces to the noon day sun – just begging to be admired.
Like how tasty are the tiny Tumbler Tomato snacks – temptingly ripe for the picking as I make my way down the deck and out into the yard.
REFLECTION: There’s no shortage of advice out there on how to live a more satisfying life. I’ve even been known to dispense a word or two myself! 🙂 Sometimes, though, the source gets lost along the way.
REFLECTION & ACTION: Ask people about their most satisfying experiences with time. You might be surprised by their answers. Yes, the pleasure of accomplishment-getting projects done and checking tasks off lists-ranks high. However, you’ll find that the experience of unstructured, wide-open chunks of time with no planned activities is right up there, too.
